boiling chili + 20 minutes

This isn't the prettiest story about me, but it's real.
One night Ben and I were making dinner, I think our friends were in the kitchen with us as well. We were making chili - a favorite that Ben and I could eat everyday and usually end up eating 5 nights in a row :)
We were all hungry, but the way I make my chili it has to come to a boil and then simmer for 20 minutes. Well, Ben and one of our friends kept pressing me about the 20 minutes. Why? Why does it have to simmer? Why can't it be less time? If it just boiled why does it need to simmer? Why?
What did I feel? Pressure. On the spot. That they didn't trust my judgement/cooking skills. Cornered. Wrong.
So what did I do? I ignored them at first, which wasn't great. When it kept going, I did something else I'm not proud of. But honesty, right?
I don't know if you have ever experienced this, but do you remember ever having been out with your mom in public, or at someone else's house, and you do something that she wants you to stop? Have you experienced that look, the one where her eyes almost pop out, where she's gritting her teeth as if to say, "if you don't stop that THIS instant!" or "if you ask me one more time!" or "you better knock it off RIGHT NOW" You know that one? It's kind of like a silent threat, right? It's a look that is meant to cause immediate change in behavior. Well, that's the look that I gave Ben. And I'm his wife, not his mom. Yikes.
I was on the defensive. I felt like I was being attacked, like my cooking skills were being attacked. To explain why I did it a specific way would be to put my thoughts/opinions out there for them to contradict and for me to fail, even though I had done this 1000 times before and knew what I was talking about. I would be humiliated. Or at least, that's what I thought. Core issue: I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to be wrong. Even in front of a close friend AND my HUSBAND! (Come on, really, what human has seen me fail more than my husband? I mean, I do live with the man!)
That's something that I think the Lord has really been opening my eyes to lately - that I fear failure. It's silly, because A) I'm human and B) No one is exempt from failing. Buuut I like to make myself think that it is too humilitating to fail so I try to prevent myself from it at all costs. My human nature wants to prevent me from trying too hard if I might fail, from taking risks if I will fail - when I'm walking in the flesh that is what I am controlled by. Talk about an impossible goal that I WILL fail at!
God is graciously opening my eyes to areas in my life that I need to surrender to Him and then GO FOR IT regardless of the outcome. I am thankful for that. How much would I miss out on otherwise? Plus, I'm a fan of learning - how can I really learn all that I can without failing at times?
So maybe they shouldn't have hounded me, and maybe I was right about the simmering thing, but the core issue in my heart that caused my reaction wasn't right; and I definitely should have been in a place to graciously respond rather than foolishly react. The look I gave my husband in order to control him = not okay. Why are we as humans such control freaks over everything and everyone?! Good thing I married a gracious man who is willing to forgive :) and love me anyways.
So that's where I'm at. Learning about myself and what God wants to change in my life. What's He showing you? God is always speaking to our hearts, are we listening?

Striving to overcome fear of failure,
J